Guilt is a complex and often misunderstood emotion, and it has a remarkable ability to influence our lives. Many friends, colleagues, and patients have told me how crippling the world of guilt really is, so today I thought I would explore its intricate role in our daily experiences and share some insights I’ve learned along the way.
At its core, guilt serves as a protector of our moral compass. It’s the little voice in your head that questions whether you’re living in harmony with the values you’ve set for yourself. It’s that Sunday morning wake-up after the night before where you torment yourself with the anguish that others must perceive you the way you see yourself, and right at that moment, the shame is deep and very real.
It’s that gut-wrenching drop in your stomach when you suddenly ask yourself, “Am I causing harm to others, or am I staying true to my principles?” So it’s a good thing, right? Until, like most things that are good for us in moderation, it suddenly becomes bad for us when allowed to become excessive.
Many of us have felt the weight of excessive guilt. It’s like an anchor dragging us down into the sea of self-doubt, to the ocean bed of worthlessness. These are the moments when guilt transcends from a useful fairy-like imp gently reminding us of its intended purpose to suddenly morphing into an uninvited troll guest that overstays its welcome and shames us into submission and into believing its lies.
Surprisingly, guilt as a single emotion has probably had the biggest impact on my adult life.
I genuinely believe that for me, guilt has given me the gift of empathy and compassion, attuning me to the needs of others around me. Empathy is my friend, the gentle nurturing wood nymph that whispers, “Feel what she feels,” “Walk a mile in his shoes.” Maybe it resonates with you too, and I’m not ashamed to say that the carefree, somewhat selfish twenty-something version of me would have benefited greatly had she lived with the slightly more responsible, self-disciplined empathetic version I’ve found in my thirties.
So, to guilt or not to guilt? That is the question. I think we’ve concluded that guilt on its own, as a little reminder of consequences to our choices, is healthy in a world filled with distractions. For some, like me, guilt has been a reliable teacher. I remember my father’s wisdom, consoling my childhood tears with a simple question, “Victoria, what do we learn by?” Through deep breaths and sniffles, I’d reply, “We learn by our mistakes, Dad.” Guilt has been my mirror, reflecting the lessons from my own missteps, and more than once, I have wished that I could not only learn from my own mistakes but also from other people’s too!
Yet, here I am at 37, hearing more and more from people struggling with the dark side of this paradox. I listen regularly to the stories of friends, colleagues, and patients whose lives are overshadowed by the dark cloud of excessive guilt. Anxiety looms, and self-esteem plummets. The endless cycle of rumination over perceived wrongdoings is not only counterproductive but also exhaustingly relentless. Intrusive thought after intrusive thought barges through the brain without apology, and the ability to recognise whether its place is just and fair becomes impossible.
My counsellor once told me that just because I had a thought in my head, that didn’t necessarily make that thought true. He was so right. Now I understand that wisdom more than ever because I’ve realised that often my guilt comes from the ridiculously high expectations I place on myself, and not because I’ve hurt anyone or have anything truly rational to feel guilty about.
Guilt can strain our already challenging and complex relationships with each other. It can lead to defensive reactions or, at its worst, make us apprehensive in trusting others. We fear causing pain or making mistakes, which sometimes means closing ourselves off to the prize we all seek, human connection.
For many of us, guilt can sometimes morph into the overwhelming feeling of shame. This topic alone could fill an entire blog, but what we do understand about shame is that it often stems from a deep-seated belief that we’re somehow flawed and inadequate. Unlike regret, which can be a driving force for personal growth and positive change, shame is potent and destructive, an emotion that can linger for far too long, chipping away at our self-esteem and can have long lasting dire consequences to our mental health and wellbeing.
So, where is the line between seeing constructive guilt as a moral compass and descending into a bottomless pit of eternal self-sabotage? How do we maintain a healthy relationship with this intense tightrope of an emotion and ultimately find a path toward balance and self-compassion?
Well, if I ever master it, I’ll let you know! But that’s not to say I haven’t seen some useful tips and tricks along the way, so here’s some thoughts from me.
Firstly, I’ve found that self-reflection has been my savior – but the trick here is reflection over not only the bad things but also over the good things too.
• Learn from your mistakes, and then let go of the guilt once you’ve taken the appropriate steps to make amends or improve. Once guilt has addressed the issue with you, it is no longer your friend. Ask yourself, would you hold on to a friend who pulled you up on a mistake but then constantly reminded you how bad you were? No, a real friend tells you the truth but loves you anyway, a toxic friend reminds you again and again what a terrible person you can be.
• Find the balance! Own your mistakes by all means, but forgive yourself for making them too. No one is perfect, and if they are, then they got there by being imperfect along the journey.
• Strive to be the best person you can be – It fills your emotional cup more than anything else ever could. Forgiving yourself for a mistake is much easier to do when you can swiftly follow that up with a list of things you did right, kindnesses you paid forward, and people you helped along the way. There is a huge difference between validating behaviour and accepting your behaviour could have been better, whilst pledging to do it differently next time.
Lastly, and probably most importantly, ‘trust yourself.’ We all know deep down if we are validating bad behavior or if we are just being overly hard on ourselves. Life is hard enough without handing the power of judgment over to everyone else. So please, be your own judge, jury, and executioner. Know when it’s time to listen to that annoying little imp-troll in your head and heart, hear him, understand him, and then let him move on and help someone else.
I hope that if you read this far, something in this helped you today.
Thank you for reading.
Vicky Senior 
